pears

I have been cooking. It is largely an attempt to make myself feel better. And if it is not totally succeeding it is at least giving me delicious breakfast.

meh

I am tired. And feeling really stuck. Oh, and weepy too. It's really super fun.

The thing is, I'm working on getting unstuck, I really am, but I am not yet feeling like I'm getting much traction. And the longer I feel like I'm not moving forward the easier it becomes to just let myself slide back into the deep dark hole that I know is waiting.

But I am trying to be patient and let things 'process'. I seriously hate that. Process. Stupid talking about your feelings. I hate feelings. Argh!

Anyway, to move on from the less than witty anti-feeling diatribe, I had kind of an interesting experience with looking at what my 'core values' were and what my... I guess I shall call them 'anti-values' were. The core values were ten things that I picked out of a list of perhaps 50 different values that were the things I can't live without. The anti-values were like the 'I hate that guy' of values. You don't like them and people who hold those values highly make you mad.

So. There I was with my pretty lists. Good things/Not so good things.

The next part wasn't as easy. I then had to write down my definition for each of the values (both sets - good and anti-good) and then how much of that value there was or wasn't in my life currently. This seemed a lot easier to do before I sat down to do it. But I made a little chart and filled in all the boxes and the strangest thing became clear. In the current life I lead, rather than having too much of the anti-values kicking around making me upset, I don't have enough of the good values. This perhaps would have been obvious to some but it kind of caught me by surprise.

abruptly

So. In general, there are very few people in my life I let boss me around. My doctor is one of them. And man, does she ever. I was given strict instructions with this last visit - a referral I was to call today and ensure I got an appointment -this- week before I head back to work, a requisition for blood work to be done this week and strict instructions that I see her again in Feb, no excuses. So there you go. It's kind of alarming except for that fact that she always does this to me. Her conclusion is that all of the various things I've been dealing with lately - tiredness, nausea, this terrible cold - are reactions to stress. That I'm doing this all to myself. And until we fix the underlying cause of the stress it's not going to get better and at this point she's fed up with me trying to treat symptoms instead of treating the actual issue.



So there you go. Stupid uncomfortable realizations.

tidings

Right now, Max is sitting in the window of my bedroom watching the squirrels. They like to sit directly in front of him - nose pressed to the glass - and look out over the world. Max would like to make their acquaintance but thankfully that is not to be. Wildlife and Max are not really a stellar combination.

I have been slow these last few weeks - the last year of crazy-work caught up with me and I was felled by a terrible cold. It has been... interesting in that I've been slightly trapped in my head and am starting to get a bit stir crazy. There are all sorts of things I need to sort out and talk to people about that I am just not feeling like dealing with. Instead, I draft long letters in my head and then get irritated that I don't have all the answers. It is super fun.

I could do without the semi-fever dreams as well. I have had more than one moment in the last little while of lying in bed, half-asleep and sick, watching Max rocketing around the room and thinking that I wonder what Bird will think of all this when he comes back. Yeah. It is an okay thought until I realize that there is no coming back for Bird. It is startling each and every time it happens.

And I mean, I tell you this not to elicit sympathy. Seriously. It's more that I'm puzzled by how long it takes for something you know in your very logical head to percolate through the rest of your brain. It would be interesting if I didn't keep hurting myself with it.

However. Enough. I must be off - out into the world for once to run errands and visit the doctor. I have a list - to ensure I remember everything I want to talk to her about - and will remember to stop and get a latte before I go into the waiting room so that I will have something to keep me occupied during the, inevitable, waiting.

But enjoy the new year. The max-bunny wishes you a happy holidays - he certainly had one.